Hello, 2019

Hello, 2019!

This post is definitely long overdue, but I’m finally able to write up my first blog post with thoughts of 2019!

Thoughts of 2018

  • I did a lot of traveling last year that I never imagined myself being able to do. It’s important to keep in mind that traveling is definitely a privilege. I had to stop thinking to myself about those internet weirdos who tell you to drop your job & travel the world. For many people, it is not easily accessible & many people cannot simply sustain themselves to “drop everything”, so I am extremely grateful that I had the opportunity to see some parts of the world last year.
  • I feel like I really packed on too much after summer ended & I shouldn’t have. That really took a toll on me because I started to feel like the things I was doing was just to do them & that I was no longer genuinely enjoying what I was doing. Everything of course always looks fun on social media, but always keep in mind that social media is a highlight reel; it is not everything. It’s only what people want to show you.
  • As I’ve mentioned above, I packed on a lot for myself after summer ended & I feel like part of it is because I feel like I am running out of time? Does anyone else feel that way? I’m not really sure exactly where it came from, but I found myself getting really worried & anxious about not having the time with certain people or that I’ll be missing out moments I could be having. I think this is just the cause of me getting older & the people in my family as well as Jeremiah’s family getting older. I get really worried about not having time for people & there is also a downside of that for not making time for myself either. I really, really took that hard after summer ended. I cried sometimes on the way home with Jeremiah after a long day. I was exhausted to the point of crying.
  • I really sucked with my blog in terms of “time”. I really wanted to make better time to edit & post photos within a 2 day span, but it never happened. I was so caught up doing other things or too exhausted to get on here to edit & post.

Thoughts for 2019 I want to address

  • “cleaning follower list ” – I already did this, but I unfollowed & muted so many people on my public accounts because their content just didn’t interest me or I found myself not really sharing the same interests or beliefs. It felt like a relief to do that because the more accounts I followed, the more content I was consuming that I did not care about. I started to find myself just scrolling & not really reading captions or taking the time to really see what people post & that felt unfair to people’s post that I actually do want to take time to read.
  • Will I Keep My Blog? – Wow, this question has been on my mind since early last year. I feel like it grew stronger after summer ended last year because I found myself not genuinely making time to blog or having my blog feel so meaningless & that’s never what I wanted it to be about. I always wanted it to be that if I blog or post, it would be because I enjoy it & parts of me still do, but parts of me don’t.  I’m not sure if I will keep this blog for the year. If I don’t, it will only be temporarily until I can find a way to set time aside for it.
  • If I Do Keep My Blog? – If I do keep my blog, I want to set & plan genuine time aside for it. On the weekends I want to have a set schedule for photo shoots, editing, & putting posts in queue for the week & call these weekends my “work” days because essentially putting that much time & effort into blogging really is work. This is why there are some bloggers that do this FULL TIME FOR A LIVING. Maybe I’ll reach that level someday, but we’ll see. On these “work” days on the weekends when I’m doing my blog or social media work, I want to get into the habit of turning my phone off so that I could focus without distractions & dedicate real time to work.
  • Learning how to say “NO” – I think this will always be a challenge for me. I need to learn how to put my foot down & just say “no” to people because I am not in the right mindset to be doing this or that. Forcing myself to make commitments to others without taking care of myself, or giving myself time to do what I wanted/needed to do, put my health in jeopardy in the Fall/Winter. That’s one of the reasons why I haven’t blogged much then. I addressed this with my friends & trust me, that was really hard for me to do to open up about something I was so vulnerable about. & they all seem to have agreed that I needed to learn how to say “no” more & making more time to recuperate & focus on my mental health.
  • Talk more openly with Jeremiah about feelings I’ve been suppressing when it comes to our future or family stuff. We are actually good at being able to talk to each other about anything, but sometimes I do hold back a little of what I’m saying or I beat around the bush because sometimes the way I think about things may not come off in the way that I want it to. I was able to talk about something with him today that’s been bothering me & he understood where I was coming from & that felt like such a relief to get that off my mind. He’s always considerate to how I feel about something that may not mean so much to others, but  it means a lot to me. I always felt like him being so caring & understanding spoke volumes. I always get worried about our future though. We talk all the time about it, but I still get worried about marriage, kids, raising kids, living, etc. I think we will be fine if we are honest & open with each other when we have these conversations ❤️
  • As I’ve mentioned above, I really spread myself thin by not saying “no” to commitments & that not only took a toll on me mentally, but I felt like my relationship was suffering too. This may be one-sided here as Jeremiah is always in support of me following my dreams or doing what makes me happy, but I found myself not being able to spend quality time with him during the evenings after our long days & that really hurt me so much. I hated that I still had to spend my evenings working on stuff after such a long day & by the time I turn around to spend time with Jeremiah, it is 1 o’clock in the morning & he is sound asleep. & of course I care that he gets rest too, but it was hard for both of us wanting to spend quality time together. Even if it was simply watching a movie at home, we couldn’t do that. & I always told myself that I never wanted our relationship or future marriage to be that. Our weekends would also be consumed with doing something social, so maybe that was a factor. This year I’d like to transition to being able to say “no” more & making more quality time for just us two on the weekends like maybe hiking like we used to do, museum date days, or painting ceramics. I feel like I really need that back sometimes. It can get so overwhelming giving myself to so many others & not giving anything for myself or quality time for my relationship.
I’ve been wanting to get so much of this off my chest in December & it feels more relieving to finally be able to have time to sit & write up everything I’ve been feeling.
We also fell asleep before the clock struck midnight on New Years Eve, but here’s our first photo together of the New Year 👵🏽👴🏼

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